She thought about it for a while, looked at the PC, looked back at me and then said “Daddy, I think I want to help people with their PCs.  I’d like to help then connect their scanners and their digital cameras to their PCs.”

Naturally, I was horrified.  There’s no way I want a daughter of
mine to be a Twain Driver!

1. Move hitherward, the entire assembly of those loyal in their belief.
    (1,4,3,2,8)

2. Listen, the celestial messengers produce harmonious sounds.
    (4,3,6,6,4)

3. Nocturnal timespan of unbroken quietness. (6,5)

4. An emotion excited by the acquisition or expectation of good, given
    to the terrestrial sphere. (3,2,3,5)

5. Embellish the interior passageways. (4,3,5,4,6,2,5)

6. Before the second Christmas. (3,5,4)

7. Twelve o’clock on a clement night witnessed it’s arrival.
    (2,4,4,1,8,5)

8. Small municipality in Judea. (1,6,4,2,9)

9. Diminutive masculine master of cylindrical percussion instrument.
    (3,6,7,3)

10. Requests that omnipotent supreme being confers respite on ecstatic
      distinguished males. (3,4,2,5,9)

11. Tranquillity upon the terrestrial sphere. (5,2,5)

12. Notification of imminent arrival to populated location of perennial
      gift dispenser. (5,5,2,6,2,4)

13. First person singular contemplates natal celebration devoid of colour.
      (2,8,2,1,5,9)

14. Miniature equine. (6,6)

15. In awe of the nocturnal time-span characterised by religiosity.
      (1,4,5)

16. The first person nominative plural of a triumvirate of heads of state.
      (2,5,5)

17. Tintinnabulation of vacillating pendulums in inverted, metallic
      resonant cups. (6,5)

18. In a distant animal feed container conventional item of slumber
      furniture is missing. (4,2,1,6,2,4,3,1,3)

19. Proceed onwards and upwards, declaring upon geological alpine
      formation.(2,4,22,3,8)

20. Third person plural conveys to second person singular or plural
      jovial yuletide greetings. (2,4,3,1,5,9)

Don’t cheat too soon but the answers are here

A disappearing act,

My name is Tickettyboo…and this is my party piece    
I didn’t charge you for this, but next week you can all come along and I will pay to charity for the privilege of watching you all do your bit  

Hello, Mrs Tiscali.  I’m so glad you could get along to see a rehearsal of our Nativity Play!  Can you squeeze in there?  I’m afraid our chairs are a wee bitty wee, as Bagpuss would say!  Pardon? No, Mrs Tiscali..she doesn’t have a speech impediment, she is from north of the border!

Now then, children.  We are going to start our rehearsal.  Where are my Mary and Joseph?

That’s right, Mandy, take Wordy by the hand and come and sit nice and quietly on this bench in the middle.
Don’t drag him.  He’ll come if you leave him alone!
Don’t hit each other, Mary and Joseph were friends….yes they were, David Coyne.. and please don’t throw the straw around like that….we should remember that even a stable can be kept tidy if we all try hard.

Now, who are my Wise Men?
You’re a Wise Man, aren’t you, Webrex?
Oh, aren’t you?  What are you then?
Oh, you’re a cattle, are you?  And you are going to low. Splendid!  Go over to Miss Boulting, will you, please?
Miss Boulting… You are organising the animals and the angels?  He is one of yours.  You can have the angels too…The Occupier, Kat, Sandra, parrotfish, Oldrose, Nimuae, Linda, Len Cole, Firebird, Booette#1, Ergo and Milton.

Milton…your halo is slipping dear….try to keep it straight!  Yes, I know you wanted to be an ox, but your Mummy was rather insistent that just for once she wanted to see you as an angel.

Now, my Wise Men here, please!
Terry2001, Peter C and Flying Nun.
And Flying Nun, Wise Men never do that…
Why? Because it just isn’t nice that’s all..

Now my Kings, please.
Of course, Mrs Tiscali, we know that by tradition the Wise Men and the Kings are one and the same, but we did want everyone in our Happy Hour Nativity Play to have a chance, so we have taken a few liberties, and I don’t think any one will mind.

Now Kings:  Swig, Biffo, Grey Swan and Mike Nagel,
Four Kings, I’m afraid.  We happen to have four lovely crowns, so it seemed a pity not to use them.
Swig, put your crown on straight please, not over one eye.  What have you got under your jersey?
That’s not the place for the Baby Jesus, is it?  Put him straight back in his little manger, please.  No, I don’t think your Aunty Dorothy hid her new baby up her jumper for months….no, really, I think you had better ask Mummy about that when you go home, I’m sure she will know the answer.

Troy!  You are supposed to be with Miss Boulting…she is in charge of the angels.  Oh , you want to be a king?  Well we already have four and don’t have a spare crown…yes, that’s a good idea you can be a donkey..now go to Miss Boulting, she has charge of animals too.

Biffo, put your crown on, please.
It’s too big?  Let’s see.  Ah, yes it is
Where are you!  Oh, there you are!  Nice to see you again!  Change with Mike Nagel.
Mike, you can manage a big crown, can’t you?  You’ve got just the ears for it.
I think if you pull your ears down a bit that will hold it up.  And lean back a bit.  That’s it.
Stay like that, dear.  Don’t move.

Wise Men and Kings, don’t muddle yourselves with each other.

Now then, Shepherds.
Loupy, you are my First Shepherd and not a racing car.
Yes, Tr@cie, you’re a shepherd.
No, dear you can’t wear your Little Bo-Peep costume because there aren’t any little girl shepherdesses in our play.   They’re all boy shepherds, and you are a girl being a boy shepherd.
Yes, it is rotten.  But we just have to settle for it.  I think if you are very good perhaps you can wear a lovely grey beard; wouldn’t that be fun?  Now stand there with the other shepherds Wiz, Rip Van Winkle, pmj, Atoll and Allen.
pmj…just hold your shepherd’s crook dear, don’t put it round Tr@cie’s neck.  Why? because she is not a sheep, she is another shepherd.  Yes you can have girl shepherds….now be a good boy and don’t argue.

Flying Nun, what do Wise Men never do?
Yes…

Now..where is our innkeeper?  Oh there you are Wind Dancer!  Yes dear, The Barsteward is going to help you open the door so you can say there is no room at the inn.
What was that?  No dear, if you say there are plenty of rooms that will spoil the story.

Loupy, do you remember what you see up in the sky?  Something lovely, isn’t it?
No, not a baby.  Try again.
It’s a lovely silver star, and you are going to put your hand up and point to it.  And what are you going to say when you do that?

No, Grinch, he isn’t going to say, ‘Please may I go to the bathroom?’

Children, that isn’t funny; it’s a perfectly natural function, and we might as well get used to it.
Come on, Loupy.  You are going to say, ‘Behold!’ aren’t you?
Yes, you are, dear.  You said it yesterday.
You’d rather say it tomorrow?
Perhaps you are right.

We have broken the back of the play, so you may as well get ready to go home.  Hand in your crowns gently, please.  No Swig, you can’t wear your crown home on the bus.

I think – I HOPE it will be all right on the night.  But you know, Mrs Tiscali, I think perhaps next year we might make do with a Christmas carol.

Wrinklie’s page

That girl Nimuae is quite charming
As a witch she does no harming
there’s a black lab they call Troy here
who’s bitten loads of people out there in the foyer

I met an odd girl, name of Tr@cie
she’s *almost* wearing something lacy
Yes, I know that it’s a party
but she usually seems to be a smarty

Grinch and Froggie, It’s quite shocking
Each are wearing a fish net stocking
they are cute though and it suits them
Just hope dangerous won’t come along and shoot them

Wait a minute, They’ve got gin in
I just might try, a bit of sinnin’
it’s quite good here, its a belter
and we are raising lots of pennies just for Shelter

I’m dreaming of a white Christmas
Just like the ones I used to know
Where the treetops glisten
and children listen
To hear sleigh bells in the snow.

I’m dreaming of a white Christmas
With every Christmas card I write
May your days be merry and bright
And may all your Christmases be white.

I’m dreaming of a white Christmas
With every Christmas card I write
May your days be merry and bright
And may all your Christmases be white.

Irving Berlin, 1942

Santa, dear Santa, you worry us so.
I feel I must tell you some things you should know.
That belly of yours just gets bigger each year.
We think it reveals too much holiday cheer.

We’ve started a fan club, there’s three of us here.
There’s me and an elf and a faithful reindeer.
You are our hero, you’ve touched us somehow.
You’re all that we have to believe in right now.

You check us all out to see if we’re naughty.
Is that glow on your nose from an extra hot toddy?
While we love to hear all your ho ho ho ho-ing,
The list of fat stories they tell just keeps growing.

Is it true that last Christmas you suffered from gout,
And those snazzy red trousers you wear were let out?
One strange vicious rumor, it’s a false one we hope:
Has you dropping gifts down the chimneys by rope.

While all of your ho hos we know very well,
Your ding dongs, we fear, don’t come from a bell.
They say, as your reindeer streak through the sky,
You drink cherry cokes with your raspberry pie.

The aerobics instructors are all sure to say,
“You ought to work out, maybe jog with the sleigh.”
Perhaps strong exertion is too much for you.
But you really should try just a sit up or two.

So shed a few pounds, Santa, what do you say?
We all want you back to enjoy Christmas day.
Season’s greetings from me, one reindeer, one elf.
Merry Christmas to you, please take care of yourself.
–Grandpa Tucker

De de De de De de De de Ta da !

De de De de De de De de Ta da !

Directors cut!  DO NOT scroll down if squeamish!!

Right, I will be using a condom for this next party piece. Doesn’t matter what colour, flavour or how many ribs it has.

If you think you may find the following disgusting/disturbing (due to the nature of the prop to be used), then please stop reading.

1. I am now opening the packet.

2. I am now offering the condom (an unused one) up to my right nostril.

3. I am now breathing in deeply through my nose.

4. The fruity/coloured/ribbed condom is sucked up into my right nostril.

5. I can now feel it dangling down the back of my throat.

6. I am now reaching into my mouth with my index and middle fingers.

7. I have now grasped the condom between my two fingers.

8. A quick pull (of the condom), and hey presto, here it is.

Now I told you it was pretty disgusting.

S is for Stable
I is for Inn keepers
L is for Little Baby Jesus
V is for Verily I say unto you
E is for Enter the angels
R is for Ring out those bells

S is for Stars
U is for Unto us a child is born
R is for robins
F is for Father Christmas
E is for Elves
R is for Reindeer
S is for Stockings

Best I can do before I go off for the day

(Roll background sound effects)

As I awoke this morning, just as all things bright were born.
A Robin Red-breast perched upon my sill, to hail the happy morn.

He was young and fragile, so sweetly did he sing.
Thoughts of joy and happiness, to my heart did spring.

I smiled so sweetly to myself, as I paused beside my bed.
Then I slowly brought the window down,
and squashed it’s bloomin’ head!!!!

<curtain rises>
<enter stage left>
<bow>
<audience applauds>
<a silence falls>
<except for a crackle of a crisp packet>
<someone calls out – Shhh!>

<bow>
<audience applauds>
<curtain falls>
<end of Scene 1>
<there will now be a short interval>

I would like to recite a little poem, which I wrote in 1996.  As this is a mixed audience, I have blanked out most of the one rude word – I expect that you can work out what it is without it ruining the poem for you!  I hope you enjoy it;  here goes….

Dare I Dream

At times I wonder, is there a man somewhere,
For whom I might perhaps learn to care?
One whose words of love are not a sham,
And who will value the woman that I am.

One who would converse with me for hours.
One who would court me with scented flowers.
One whose presence could excite me so much
That my entire body trembles for his touch.

One who could rekindle lust’s doused fire.
One who could reawaken my frozen desire.
One who could light, then fan the flame,
And make me want to love again?

Or would he be like every other bloke
And treat the whole thing as a joke.
Jump into bed for a f**k and a fart
Then, just as casually, break my heart?

After you Claude.

No, after you Cecil

And now for something completely different

Are yer courtin

Are you sitting comfortably? Then I’ll begin

Can I do you now, sir?

Can you hear me, mother?

The day war broke out

Didn’t she do well?

Don’t forget the diver

Ee, it was agony, Ivy

Evening, all

Everybody wants to get inta the act

An everyday story of country folk

Exterminate! Exterminate!

A good idea, son

Good morning, sir. Was there something?

Goodnight children … everywhere

Have you read any good books recently?

Hello, good evening and welcome -

Here’s one I made earlier

I didn’t get to where I am today without …

I don’t like this game, let’s play another game – let’s play doctors
and nurses

I don’t mind if I do

I go – I come back

I’m in charge

I’m worried about Jim

It all depends on what you mean by …

It’s being so cheerful as keeps me going

I’ve arrived and to prove it, I’m here

I’ve started so I”ll finish

Left hand down a bit!

Let’s be careful out there

Mind my bike

Nice to see you, to see you nice

Oh, calamity

Pass the sick bag Alice

Seriously though, he’s dong a grand job

Take me to your leader

The truth is out there

The weekend starts here

We have ways of making you talk

What’s up, Doc?

You bet your sweet bippy

You might well think that. I couldn’t possibly comment

You’re going to like this, not a lot, but you’ll like it

Your starter for 10

You silly twisted boy

You rotten swine

Don’t cheat too soon but the answers are here

–Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near 190F.  The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder.

During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on plates.  Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots on the other.  Please pass the gravy.

A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway.  During the evening, the turkey will diminish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34F in the refrigerator.

Looking ahead to the next two days, high pressure to eat sand- wiches will be established.  Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup late in the
day.  We expect a warming trend where soup develops.

By early the next week, eating pressure will be low as the only wish left will be the bone.

Santa doesn’t usually take requests from adults, but she smiled very nicely at him, so he asked her, “What do you want for Christmas?”

“Something for my mother, please.  ”said the young lady.

“Something for your mother?  Well, that’s very thoughtful of you, “smiled Santa.  ”What do you want me to bring her? “

Without blinking she replied, “A son-in-law!”

At a monastery high in the mountains, the monks have a rigid vow of silence.  Only at Christmas, and only by one monk, and only with one sentence, is the vow allowed to be broken.

One Christmas, Brother Thomas is allowed to speak and he says, “I like the mashed potatoes we have with the Christmas turkey!” and he sits down.  Silence ensues for 365 days.

The next Christmas, Brother Michael gets his turn, and he says “I think the mashed potatoes are lumpy and I hate them!”

Once again, silence for 366 days (it’s leap year).  The following Christmas, Brother Paul rises and says, “I am fed up with this constant bickering!”

Good King Wenceslas rings up a local pizza restaurant to order a pizza.

“Certainly your majesty”, says the manager, “will it be your usual?

Deep pan, crisp and even?”

After scene one, ~~Linda~~ confessed that the interruption at the beginning was not a packet of crisps. ~~Linda~~ posted:

Actually it was a packet of Maltesers… the bag split and they all ran under the seat in front

<interlude ends>
<ice cream & popcorn all swept up>
<compère announces>

<bow>
<audience applauds>
<curtain falls>
<end of Scene 2>
<there will now be another short intermission, before Act 2>

We’re all having a laugh for Shelt-er
I think it’s already a belt-er
Come in and do a piece
Boo’s wealth it will decrease
‘Cos she’s givin’ cash and we’ll help-her

Chestnuts roasting on an open fire
Jack Frost nipping on your nose
Yuletide carols being sung by a choir
And folks dressed up like Eskimos

Everybody knows a turkey and some mistletoe
Help to make the season bright
Tiny tots with their eyes all aglow
Will find it hard to sleep tonight

Frosty the Snowman

FROSTY THE SNOWMAN WAS A JOLLY HAPPY SOUL,
WITH A CORNCOB PIPE AND A BUTTON NOSE
AND TWO EYES MADE OUT OF COAL.
FROSTY THE SNOWMAN WAS A FAIRY TALE THEY SAY.
HE WAS MADE OF SNOW, BUT THE CHILDREN KNOW
HOW HE CAME TO LIFE ONE DAY.
THERE MUST HAVE BEEN SOME MAGIC
IN THAT OLD SILK HAT THEY FOUND.
FOR WHEN THEY PUT IT ON HIS HEAD,
HE BEGAN TO DANCE AROUND.

OH, FROSTY THE SNOWMAN WAS ALIVE AS HE COULD BE,
AND THE CHILDREN SAY HE COULD LAUGH AND PLAY
JUST THE SAME AS YOU AND ME.

FROSTY THE SNOWMAN KNEW THE SUN WAS HOT THAT DAY.

SO HE SAID LET’S RUN AND WE’LL HAVE SOME FUN NOW

BEFORE I MELT AWAY.
DOWN THROUGH THE VILLAGE, WITH A BROOMSTICK IN HIS HAND,
RUNNING HERE AND THERE ALL AROUND THE SQUARE
SAYING CATCH ME IF YOU CAN.
THEY CHASED HIM DOWN THE STREETS OF TOWN
RIGHT PAST THE TRAFFIC COP,
AND THEY ONLY PAUSED A MOMENT
WHEN THEY HEARD HIM HOLLER STOP.
FOR FROSTY THE SNOWMAN HAD TO HURRY ON HIS WAY.
SO HE WAVED GOODBYE SAYING DON’T YOU CRY.
I’LL BE BACK AGAIN SOMEDAY.

The girl at the counter said “Would you like some fries with that”

What do you call a blond with 2 brain cells?

Pregnant.

Did you hear about the blonde who got a pair of
waterskis?

She’s still looking for a lake with a slope!!

There once was this guy who worked for the Railroad as a conductor.   Let’s say his name was Joe.  Well, Joe was walking through the train, en route, collecting tickets from the passengers.  He comes to car 12, booth 3.  In it is this beautiful woman.  He asked her for her ticket:

“Excuse me ma’am, do have your ticket?”

“Oh, I am soooo sorry, I dropped it out the window by accident,”she replied.  ”Sorry, ma’am can’t have any passengers without tickets.”  He grabbed her by the scruff of the neck and threw her out of the train.  Well, she landed on the tracks, was run over by the train.  Naturally, the conductor was arrested, thrown in jail.  He was convicted of murder before a jury of his peers, and sentenced to death by electrocution.

The day of his execution came up, and he was asked what he would like for his last meal.  He ask for a banana.  They gave it to him, he ate it, received his last rites, and was escorted to the chair.  The executioner strapped him in, hooked everything up.  Last, he threw the big switch once, and nothing happened.  So, he did it again, and nothing happened.  Well, by law the conductor was legally dead, so they had to release him.

Oddly enough, the guy got a job on another railroad, as a conductor!  One day, he was gathering tickets, and came to a booth with a little boy.  ”Young man, do you have your ticket?”, asked the conductor.

“A-a-a, I’m sorry, I ate it by mithtake..”, said the little boy.  And.. the same thing happened – the boy was thrown off the train and killed.  The guy was arrested, sentenced to death by electrocution.  It came to him last day.  The death row guard asked him what he would like for his meal.  He asked for banana again.  He ate it, and a priest gave him last rites.  He was escorted to the death chamber.  This time, though, they where smart.  They washed his hands to get rid of any banana slime, they washed up the chair.  Next, they placed him the chair, and hooked him up.  The switch- puller pulled the switch once, and nothing happened.  The switch-puller pulled the switch twice, and nothing happened, not even a single hair raising on the guy’s chest.   Well, as the law says, they had to let him go…

Even more amazingly, he got a job on yet another railroad.  This time it was a rabbi.  Same old stuff.  Rabbi had no ticket (he forgot to buy it).  Guy threw him off the train, rabbi died.  Guy was arrested, convicted, sentenced to death by electrocution.  When the guard asked him what he would like for a last meal, he asked for a banana.  He ate it, received last rights, and was escorted to the chamber.  However, this time the officials where going to get it right!  They scrubbed his body with a brillo pad.  They scrubbed the chair with steel wool.  They tried the chair on a few other prisoners…  Okay, they strapped him in, and threw the switch once, nothing happened.  Threw the switch a second time, nothing happened.  At this point the guy was legally dead, etc,etc. But, before the guy could leave, the executioner, extremely frustrated (he’d seen this same guy three times already). asked, “What is it with the banana!”

The guy replied, “I just like bananas.  ”So, the executioner screamed,
“Then how come you don’t die!!!!!”

“I dunno,” replied the guy, “I guess I’m just not a very good conductor.”

You can get much farther with a kind word and a
gun than you can with a kind word alone.

Al Capone

If you first you don’t succeed, try again.  Then
quit.  No use being a damn fool about it.

W.C. Fields

Winter Wonderland

Sleigh bells ring
Are you listening
In the lane
Snow is glistening
A beautiful sight
We’re happy tonight
Walking in a winter wonderland

Gone away is the bluebird
Here to stay is a new bird
He sings a love song
As we go along
Walking in a winter wonderland

In the meadow we can build a snowman
Then pretend that he is parson brown
He’ll say: are you married?
We’ll say: no man
But you can do the job
When you’re in town

Later on
We’ll conspire
As we dream by the fire
To face unafraid
The plans that we’ve made
Walking in a winter wonderland

When it snows
Ain’t it thrilling
Though your nose gets a chilling
We’ll frolic and play
The Eskimo way
Walking in a winter wonderland

Walking in a winter wonderland
Walking in a winter wonderland

LA Police Department: Give us five minutes with the chicken and we’ll find out!

Einstein: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move under the chicken?

Captain James T. Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

Pat Buchanan: To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.

Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on the chicken.

Freud: The fact that you are at all concerned that chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.

Grandpa: In my day, we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road and that was good enough for us.

Bill Clinton: Because in a lapse of judgement I mislead the chicken.  However Kenneth Starr’s report on the matter was uncalled for.

Colonel Sanders: Did I miss one?

Richard M. Nixon: The chicken did not cross the road.  I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road.  I don’t know any chickens.  I have never known any chickens.

Martin Luther King, Jr.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

Aristotle: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

Ronald Reagan: What chicken?

Bill Gates: I have just released Chicken Coop 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your cheque book, and Explorer is an inextricable part of the operating system.

Jerry Seinfeld: Why does anyone cross a road?  I mean, why doesn’t anyone ever think to ask, What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?

Oliver Stone: The question is not, Why did the chicken cross the road? Rather, it is, Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?

JFK: Ask not what your road can do for your chicken – ask what your chicken do for your road!

Darwin: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.

Machiavelli: The point is that the chicken crossed the road.  Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

Buddha: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.

Moses: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, “Thou shalt cross the road”.  And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

Hamlet: To cross or not to cross, that is the question!

Kindergarten teacher: To get to the other side!

Here’s hoping you succeed where most have failed and may your impact on that world be a good one…….

<Milton stands centre stage with a single spot-light.>
<The audience falls silent……..>

‘Twas the Night before Finals

T’was the night before finals,
And all through the college,
The students were praying
For last minute knowledge.

Most were quite sleepy,
But none touched their beds,
While visions of essays
Danced in their heads.

Out in the taverns,
A few were still drinking,
And hoping that liquor
Would get their brains thinking.

In my own apartment,
I had been pacing,
Dreading all those exams
I soon would be facing.

My roommate was speechless,
His nose in his books,
And my comments to him
Drew unfriendly looks.

I drained all the coffee,
And brewed a new pot,
No longer caring
That my nerves were shot.

I stared at my notes,
But my thoughts were all muddy,
My eyes went a’blur,
I just couldn’t study.

“Some pizza might help,”
I said with a shiver,
But each place I called
Refused to deliver.

I’d pretty much concluded
Life is unfair and cruel,
Since our futures all depend
On grades made in school.

When all of a sudden,
Our door opened wide,
And Patron Saint Put-It-Off
Ambled inside.

Her spirit was careless,
Her manner was mellow,
She looked at the mess
And started to bellow:

“Why should us students
Make such a fuss,
About what those teachers
Toss out to us?”

“On Cliff Notes! On Crib Notes!
On Last Year’s Exams!
On Wingit and Slingit,
And Last Minute Crams!”

Her message delivered,
She vanished from sight,
But we heard her laughing
Outside in the night.

“Your teachers won’t flunk you,
So just do your best.
Happy Finals to All,
And to All, a good test.”

(Not, of course, my own work)
<Bows and exits left>

I plan to tell you a story but there will be audience participation. At certain points the audience will be required to wave their arms in the air and chant the words printed on the placard which I will hold aloft. All the f*****ll fans will know this chorus.

EARWIG O

Little Mrs Earwig, she had a little son
She called the baby earwig A, for he was number one.
Her second she called Earwig B
Earwig C came next,
D and E soon followed, then came F, as you’d expect
G and H were subsequent, I and J came then
K, L and M were triplets
But who followed earwig N?

(Placard)
Earwig O, Earwig O, Earwig O
Earwig O, Earwig O, Earwig O
Earwig O, Earwig O, Earwig O
Earwig O

In the insect League Cup Final he gave the crowd a treat
He gave the stick insects some stick
Earwig O could not be beat
His first goal was a header, then he “sold the goalie a pup”
His third made it a hat trick
Epsom Earwigs won the cup.
All the spiders were hand, in hand, in hand, in hand……
As they sang the earwig anthem
And it echoed around the stand

(Placard)
Earwig O etc

Little Mrs Earwig, I wonder if you know
That your fifteenth little earwig
Is sooo famous, Earwig O
Earwig O they sang at Wembley
They sing Earwig O at White Hart Lane
At Old Trafford and Maine Road
Earwig O we go again
Earwig O they chant at Chelsea
Loftus Road, Pride Park and all.
Some talk of famous players
But the greatest of them all… is

(Placard)
Earwig O …………

Little Mrs Earwig does it fill your heart with joy
When they sing about your son “O”
Do you whisper “That’s my boy?”
Does your heart swell up with pleasure
As they chant the Earwig song
Do you say “Oh what a treasure,
Earwig O, my son”

(Placard)
Earwig O …………

So… without further ado… My Christmas Translation Guide
(OK, it’s not mine I nicked it).

What we say as we open our Christmas presents and what we mean:

Just what I always wanted = Before I developed some taste

Wow! = It’s vileness has left me lost for words

It’s Lovely! = It’s Sh#te!

This will come in really useful! = What the hell is it?

Lets hope it fits! = Please god make it exchangeable!

You shouldn’t have! = No, you really bloody shouldn’t have!

It’s very festive = It’s a scary tw@t making, vomit coloured monstrosity!

Come on, open yours now! = Revenge is sweet!

I got some brilliant stuff = Santa’s an old sh*t

Pop-socks, brilliant! = You plainly don’t want me to pull again!

You know me so well! = Hurrah! Job lot of alcohol!

Thankyaverymuch!

[Webrex has left the building!]

Did I make it?

I’ve got a sore throat so have to let you down gently…. I KNOW you all wanted to hear my singing; but it’s a little croaky for a solo so instead you have another little treat…. a duet by myself and Mike (aka Weatherman)

Now remember this is for Charity and you MUST sing along, preferably doing my part in a Victoria Wood type voice and Mike’s in a panto baddie type voice! rofl…

Have fun!

(Imagine this as a duet by Linda and Mike the Weatherman -he’s playing the baddie!  

Linda’s parts are in green and Mike’s in red.    Sung to the tune of Singing in the Rain)

Digging in the Rain

I’m digging in the rain
I must be insane! 
What a horrible feeling..
I’m soaking again.

I’m sending the clouds
So dark up above.
‘Cause I know she is shivering
In her boots and her gloves.

Let the stormy clouds pass 
As to finish I race
Please stop all the rain…..
Too much mud in this place.

I’ll prune and I’ll train,
Despite my aches and my pains.
‘Caused by digging…
And planting in the rain.

Ask me for sunshine but I make it rain!
Beg me for clear skies and not always grey.
She gets up each morning, new jobs she must start
Always outside with the trees and the plants.
I am the Weatherman …. I don’t give her sun,
‘Cause rain clouds and puddles are so much more fun!

I’m digging in the rain
Cold and soaked to the skin.
What a horrible feeling,
I’m wet through again.

Ok, I’ll be kind,
Let the sun start to shine.
Warm it up, make it dry,
Let the weather turn fine.

So the stormy clouds pass,
I can slow down the pace,
Let sunshine and warmth,
Bring a smile to my face.

I’ll come back again,
Now its stopped, all that rain,
I’ll be digging
And planting in …the SUN!

*    *    *    *    *

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit.  He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said to him, “I’ll make a deal with you.  You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it.”

A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said, “Son, I’m real proud of you.  You have brought your grades up, you’ve studied your Bible diligently, but you didn’t get hair cut!”

The young man waited a moment and replied, “You know dad, I’ve been thinking about that.  You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair.”

His father replied, “Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!”

So far today, Lord, I’ve done all right;  I haven’t gossiped, haven’t lost my temper, haven’t been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish or overindulgent.

I am thankful for that, Lord.

In a few moments, Lord, the alarm will ring and I am going to get out of bed.  From that point on, I am probably going to need your help.

Amen.

A Sunday School teacher asked her class to draw a picture illustrating a Bible story.  One paper handed in contained a picture of a big car. An old man with long whiskers flying in the breeze was driving.  A man and woman were in the backseat.  Puzzled, the teacher asked little Jimmy to explain his drawing.  ”Why that is God.  He’s driving Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden.”

Tracie’s Adventures in Happiland.  (Apologies to Lewis Carroll.)

One day a little girl called Tracie was sitting under a tree in the garden reading a book.  She was feeling bored because all her friends had gone away on holiday and she had nobody to play with.  She was not finding the book very interesting either.

Suddenly, out of the corner of her eye, she noticed a movement.  She turned her head and thought she saw a rabbit but it soon disappeared.

A beautiful little bird flew into the tree above her and perched on a branch.  It had lovely flame-coloured feathers.  Tracie was wondering what kind of bird it was when it spoke.  ”Hello, I am Firebird.”  Tracie said, “What are you doing here?” and Firebird said, “I believe you are feeling bored.”

Tracie then told her about the rabbit but Firebird said that it was not a rabbit but a hare called Bunny.  ”Would you like to come with me to Happiland and see her and some of my other friends?”  Tracie would but wanted to know how she would get there.  Firebird said she would call on Nimuae, the Witch to help.  Tracie was a bit worried but Firebird assured her that Nimuae was a good witch.

Then Nimuae appeared, flying on her broomstick and in no time at all had carried Tracie to Happiland.  On their arrival they saw Bunny Hare talking to a big bear.  Tracie was a bit frightened but Firebird told her that it was Biffo, who was a big, friendly, cuddly bear and wouldn’t harm her.  They walked along a pretty path with wild roses on either side. They soon came to a pond and on the bank was a frog who croaked, “Hello Tracie, welcome to Happiland”.  On the pond the was a grey swan but while Tracie watched he changed to red, yellow, orange, green, blue and violet in turn before returning to grey.  Firebird told Tracie she was very honoured because he only did that for very special people.

Then Tracie noticed a colourful fish swimming in the water and was told that was Parrotfish.  Further along the path they came to a large clearing and found tables and chairs set out.  There were other animals here, a large black labrador called Troy, who barked a lot but didn’t bite, cats called Bagpuss, Tomcat and The Kat and a wolf called Loupy.  There was a very tiny teddy bear who told her his name was Scrappy.

Tracie then saw something flying round between the trees and she though it looked like a bat but wondered if it would be out in the day.  Firebird noticed that she had seen Flying Nun and explained who he was, saying he would come down when the food was set out.

The Grinch then popped out from behind a tree and said, “BOO!” making Tracie jump.  ”Did somebody call?” said a tiny fairy who was scurrying about putting food on the tables.  Firebired introduced her to Tickettyboo who was the organiser.  Other fairies called Cobweb, Linda, Mandy, Sandra and Jackie were helping her and several elves; Wordy, Terry, Swig Rip, PMJ, Peter, Milton, Mike, Len, David, Atoll and Allen were collecting wood for a barbecue.

The Barsteward was setting up the table with all the drinks ready to serve them later.  When everything was ready Firebird whistled a pretty tune and Nimuae flew in with her helpers, Wiz, Webrex and Wind Dancer.  Everyone enjoyed the food and drinks and then they had a singsong round the fire.

Nimuae told Tracie she would take her home and although she didn’t really want to leave she went, after thanking all her new friends.  Back under the tree she heard her mother calling her to come in for tea.  Naturally she couldn’t eat much and her mother was worried.  She was even more worried when Tracie told her about her Adventures in Happiland.  She thought she must have had too much sun and was imagining it all, but we know better, don’t we?

<cough>
<one two>
<one two>
<cough>

Doorbell rings, I’m not list’nin’,
From my mouth, drool is glist’nin’,
I’m happy — although
My boss let me go –
Happily addicted to the Web.
All night long, I sit clicking,
Unaware time is ticking,
There’s beard on my cheek,
Same clothes for a week,
Happily addicted to the Web!

Friends come by; they shake me, Saying, “Yo, man!
Don’t you know tonight’s the senior prom?”
With a listless shrug, I mutter “No, man;
I just discovered laugh-a-lot-dot-com!”
I don’t phone, don’t send faxes,
Don’t go out, don’t pay taxes,
Who cares if someday
They drag me away?
I’m happily addicted to the Web!

Happ-ilyyyyy, ad-dict-eeeed to the Weeeeeb!!! (Yeah!)

I though I’d make you all put a little bit of effort into this.

(Including me who has put all the number codes in – I hope I got them correct)

C’est une femme qui reçoit son amant chez elle, alors que son mari est au travail.

Un jour qu’ils sont au lit tous les deux, elle entend la voiture du mari dans le garage: Il rentre plus tôt que d’habitude!!!

Elle hurle alors à son amant:
Dèpêche-toi! Attrape tes vêtements et passe par la fenêtre TOUT DE SUITE!

Le petit ami regarde la fenêtre et dit:
Je ne peux pas sortir par la fenêtre comme ça! Il pleut des hallebardes dehors!

Elle lui répond:
Si mon mari rentre dans la chambre et qu’il te voit, il nous tuera tous les deux!

Alors le jeune homme prend ses vêtements et passe par la fenêtre!
Arrivé sur la terre ferme, il se retrouve au beau milieu du marathon municipal annuel…
Alors il se met à courir au côté des autres participants, malgré le fait qu’il soit complètement nu avec ses vêtements à la main.

Son voisin de course le regarde alors de bas en haut et lui dit:
Vous courez toujours le marathon tout nu?

L’amant lui répond:
Oui oui, de cette manière je ressens vraiment une impression de totale liberté.

Et l’autre continue:
Et vous emportez toujours vos vêtements pendant la course?

L’amant essoufflé répond:
Oui bien sûr, comme ça je m’habille tout de suite à la fin de la
course et je rentre directement chez moi en voiture!

Enfin le coureur termine:
Et vous portez toujours un préservatif en courant?
Oh non… Seulement quand il pleut.

Ode to the Elderly

Oh, I am just a little one.
I’m glad my life has just begun.
The fire of youth flows through my veins.
I don’t have old folks’ aches and pains.

Today I’m sad about old folks
And I’ve stopped telling old age jokes.
I’ve just found out it’s hard to see
A relative that’s elderly.

My mom is getting old and gray,
She had a birthday yesterday.
She may be old but still is purty,
For a woman who has lived to thirty.

Always multiply a software schedule by pi. This is because you
think you’re going in a straight line but always end up going
full circle.

The Phone

An Officer needed to use a pay phone, but didn’t have change for a pound.
He saw a sapper mopping the floors, and asked him, “Soldier, do you have Change for a pound?”

The sapper replied, “Sure.”

The Officer gave him an icy stare.  He said, “That’s no way to address a Superior officer!  Now let’s try it again.  Sapper, do you have change for a Pound?”

The sapper replied, “No, SIR!”

A Bit Naughty

A Captain in the Para’s is transferred to a desert outpost.  There he notices an old seedy looking camel at the back of the barracks and asks his sergeant (who happened to be a Sapper) what the animal is for.  ”Well sir”, he says.  ”We’re a fair distance from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges.  When they do, we have the camel.”  ”Gosh”, says the Captain.  ”Well if it’s good for the men’s morale, it’s all right with me.”

The Captain soon becomes frustrated himself.  Finally he can stand it no longer and tells his Sergeant: “Bring in the camel!” The sarge shrugs his shoulders and leads the camel to the Captain’s quarters.  The Captain then gets a footstool and begins to have vigorous sex with the camel.  As he steps down, satisfied, he asks the Sergeant,  ”Is that how the enlisted men do it?”

The Sergeant somewhat surprised, replies, “Well no sir, they usually just use it to ride to the brothel in town.

The Marines

In the Marines we used to have a quip:

Officer “Are the men happy Sergeant Major?”

Sgt Maj “Yes Sir”

Officer “Well Muck them about then”

NCO’s and Officers

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realises he is lost.  He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts:
“Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?”

The man below says: “Yes, you’re in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.”

“You must be an NCO,” says the balloonist.

“I am” replies the man. “How did you know?”

“Well,” says the balloonist, “Everything you have told me is technically correct, but it’s no use to anyone.”

The man below says “You must be an Officer”.

“I am” replies the balloonist, “But how did you know?”

“Well,” says the NCO, “You don’t know where you are, or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help.  You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault.”

© Mabel Lucie Atwell ©

<Bows and exits stage right>
Going home now. Byeeee

       (Y)              John's
      (°-°)              Great
   --()-,-()--<{@   Grand Daughter
     (_)-(_)     Aged 4 today 16/12/01

Soup to Go

We were sat on the banks of the river Weser one night in our APC just the driver and myself the Sqn was doing night crossings in their APC’s and we were told that if a flare should go up put on our lights and search light as it meant someone was in trouble.  Well as you remember its always cold and you are always hungry.  Well I decided to warm up a couple of tins of soup by placing them in the exhaust stack and leaving the engine on tick over.  All was going well just gently snoozing when a flare went up (a stalwart was disappearing down river) my driver lept in his seat and hit the accelerator and lights there was two loud thumps followed by two slashes as our soup exited the exhaust stack and landed in the river.  Best to say my driver should have been wearing his battle bowler as I hit him with a shovel.

Side Burns in the Flakland Islands

(1989)… On one particular windy as you like, freezing, wintry, “generally average day” mid-way through a 4½ month tour of the Falkland Islands, 4 young Sappers from the resident RE Field Squadron were on their way to the top canteen (which looked suspiciously like your average Brown’s Restaurant!) in order to cunningly disguise themselves as members of a certain sideways walking U.K Armed Service and taste the succulent delights of a, lets just say “better than they were used to”, evening meal!

Three quarters of the way along the vast tunnel complex of Mount “Not So” Pleasant Airfield between the bottom canteen (Army Only) and the top canteen (RAF Only) our 4 merry men, happily going about their own business “with pleasant thoughts of Cordon Bleu cooking, salmon & cheese starters and a full blown 3 course meal courtesy of Her Majesty’s Royal Air Force”, were brought to a sudden halt by the Booming Drill like voice of the Station Warrant Officer (RAF equivalent of an RSM):-

With his stick hovering an inch from the youngest, tallest and by far the not so brightest! (who also sported the biggest sideburns you will have ever seen!) of our 4 hapless friends, the Station Warrant Officer in a voice raised a couple of decibels more than the cannon fire like voice that had brought the 4 Sappers to a shuddering stand still moments before said: “YOU ARE A ROYAL ENGINEER ARE YOU NOT SON”?  ”Err yes sir” replied the young Sapper  ”THEN, TELL ME” Roared the Station Warrant Officer “WHAT ARE THE ARMY REGULATIONS FOR SIDE BURNS”? Not wanting to be caught out our hapless young friend replied, with a beaming smile, “WELL YOU DON’T HAVE TO HAVE THEM, SIR”

The 4 young Sappers made good their escape while the Station Warrant Officer could only look on; red-faced, stick still hovering, and completely rendered stuck for words!

Bad Mistake

It was common practice in our bar for people to be slung out of the window for various offences.  Luckily our bar was on the ground floor and you landed softly on the grass below.  After an afternoon lockin one lad decided, that it was time for him to get changed to meet his girlfriend.  He made the fatal mistake of returning to the bar in his white suit which was an offence to the standard of dress allowed in the bar and and punishment was dually executed by throwing him out of the window.  As it had been raining for weeks the grass below the window had turn to mud which in due course turned his suit into a nice shade of brown..

This bl**dy town’s a bl**dy cuss-
No bl**dy trains, no bl**dy bus,
And no-one cares for bl**dy us,
In bl**dy Orkney.

The bl**dy roads are bl**dy bad,
The bl**dy folks are bl**dy mad,
They’d make the brightest bl**dy sad,
In bl**dy Orkney.

All bl**dy clouds, and bl**dy rains,
No bl**dy kerbs, no bl**dy drains,
The council’s got no bl**dy brains,
In bl**dy Orkney.

Everything’s so bl**dy dear,
A bl**dy bob for bl**dy beer !
And is it good? no bl**dy fear,
In bl**dy Orkney.

The bl**dy ‘flicks’ are bl**dy old,
The bl**dy seats are bl**dy cold,
You can’t get in for bl**dy gold, In bl**dy Orkney.

The bl**dy dances make you smile,
The bl**dy band is bl**dy vile,
It only cramps your bl**dy style,
In bl**dy Orkney.

Best bl**dy place is bl**dy bed,
With bl**dy ice on bl**dy head,
You might as well be bl**dy dead,
In bl**dy Orkney !

(From -’ Verse and Worse’ a private collection
by Arnold Silcock)

Christmas Card verse…
For Troy

Late Christmas Eve the dog was having a nap
When he was awoken by a noisy tap tap
He opened one eye, to just have a peep
and muttered to himself as he fell back asleep
Its the old man in a red suit and cap
Humbug!!  It’s Fatty with a sack full of c**p!

(my very own work for a change!)

Errrm – I have had a disaster in preparing for my party-piece.  I had planned to cross Niagara Falls on a tightrope.  Everything was arranged and FedEx were supposed to be flying the falls over here during the night in several thousand lemonade bottles and deliver them to the HH bar.  However, although the aircraft left on schedule they have failed to turn up at this end.  There disappearance may be linked to news reports today that the mean sea level of the North Atlantic has mysteriously risen by 2 feet during the night – but I wouldn’t know anything about that.  Anyway, that was my party-piece scuppered so I’m afraid you’ll just have to make do with this instead:

Mike’s Page (external link)

The floodlight falls on the worlds worst singer, but as everybody is drunk, nobody will notice, as she opens her mouth and starts a rendering of…………

Bohemian Curry
To the tune of “Bohemian Raphsody” by Queen

Naan-aa, just killed a man
Poppadom against his head
Had lime pickle, now he’s dead.
Naan-aa, dinner just begun
But now I’m going to crap it all away.
Naan-aa, ooh-ooh
Didn’t mean to make you cry,
Seen nothin’ yet just see the loo tomorrow,
Curry on, Curry on,
’cause nothing really madras.
Too late, my dinner’s gone
Sends shivers up my spine
Rectum aching all the time.
Goodbye every bhaji, I’ve got to go
Gotta leave you all behind and use the loo.
Naan-aa, ooh ooh,
This Dopiaza’s mild,
I Sometimes wish we’d never come here at all…

(Guitar solo)

I see a little chicken tikka on the side,
Rogan Josh, Rogan Josh
pass the chutney made of mango.
Vindaloo does nicely
Nery very spicey
ME!
Biryani (Biryani)
Biryani (Biryani)
Biryani and a naan,
(A vindaloo loo looo…)
I’ve eaten balti, somebody help me
He’s eaten balti, get him to a lavatory
Stand you well back
Cause this loo is quarantined.
Here it comes,
There it goes,
technicolor yawn.
I chunder
No!
It’s coming up again
(There he goes) I chunder
It’s coming up again
(There he goes) It’s coming up again, (Up again)
Coming up again (up again)
Here it comes again
(No no no no no non o no no No).
On my knees, I’m on my knees, I’m on my knees
Oh there he goes
This vindaloo
Is about to wreck my guts
Poor me… Poor me… Poor me!

(Guitar solo)

So you think you can chunder and still it’s alright?
So you want to eat curry and drink beer all night?
Ohh maybe, now you’ll puke like a baby,
Just had to come out, Just had to come right out in here….

(Guitar solo)

Korma, saag or bhuna,
Balti, naan, bhaji.
Nothing makes a difference
Nothing makes a difference to me
(Anyway, my wind blows.)

<curtsy>
<exit stage left>

Sammy the Snake (Part One)

With the family watching Snake TV,
Sammy asked, “What’s this I see?”
His mother said, “You’ll never know.
It’s not for snakes, that stuff is snow.

“Our snake blood needs the summer sun,
In snow we’ll freeze and we’ll be done.
So in winter months we hide away.
While there is snow, inside snakes stay.”

But Sammy dreamed of the frosty flakes.
His doubting mind said, “Goodness sakes,
Just sneak away, no one will know
And have some fun up in that snow.”

He threw on some skin he’d shed
And took the cover from his bed.
Then he vowed, “When the coast is clear
I’m up the hole and out of here.”

TBC

Something that you never say to a woman or a champion veg grower…

“pah, you call them melons!”

Political correctness over sexism

I mean, what? have you noticed how things have changed to be less “sexist”.

My favourites are:

on star trek, they changed “where no man” to “where no-one”.

all the villains nowadays cant say “No man is safe”, they have to say “no-one is safe”

and you cant say who’da man, anymore.  Its who’da wu-man now.  lol
(okay so I made that up – but how far will it go?)

Real Story!!!!! (*gasp!*)

I was on a minibus, coming back from somewhere, when a friend of mine
looked out of the window.

He saw a golf course and cuz he’s a keen golfer, he said,
“thats my game that is”

Of course, when I looked, we had gone past it and there was another field.

“What?” I retorted, “sheep?”

1) What is the next number in the sequence?
     1,2,5,10,20?

2) Think of a number between 1 and 10, a colour and a vegetable.
Have a go at this before you scroll down to Len’s “answers”

Tricks.. The Answers

1) 50. (British coins).

2) 3 – Red – Carrot.  What do you mean, ‘Wrong!’?
    Well I am wearing a fez.

All the answers are to do with food or drink

1.    Little brother with a dog
2.    Puffed little sally followed by a short day
3.    Put this meat in when the oven is on high
4.    A trap with a pick me up
5.    A love apple trying to get in front of the leader
6.    Throw the rest with a unit of heat to the entrance
7.    Very warm pan from the red rose county
8.    Amateur actor from the white rose city
9.    A pretend ache
10.  To tell tales on a furry animal
11.  A film animal turns back on a Kilo
12.  A line of people waiting for a doll
13.  A small loaf
14.  Mr Smith (the equestrian) running into a hard object
15.  A goat or a ram from the dairy

Don’t cheat too soon but the answers are here

Disclaimer:
I shall not be held responsible for any madness induced tonight caused by any of the Occupier family!

It already appears that one of my amphibious cousins is already here.

Anyone adding to this thread may have their post deleted at the moderator’s discretion – unless that poster is T/boo when a fine of 15p will be expected to be paid to Shelter as an alternative.

Duck: ” ‘ave you got some bread?”

Barman: “No”

Duck: ” ‘ave you got some bread?”

Barman: ” No, I’ve already told you,we *don’t* sell bread!!”

Duck: ” ‘ave you got some bread?”

Barman: ” NO!! I’m fed up of this – if you ask again I’ll nail your beak to the bar.”

Duck: ” ‘ave you got some nails?”

Barman: “No”

Duck: ” ‘ave you got some bread?”

What happened when the snowgirl fell out with the snowboy?
She gave him the cold shoulder!

What do snowmen wear on their heads?
Ice caps!

What’s an ig ?
An eskimo’s home without a loo!

What do snowmen eat for lunch?
Icebergers!

Where do snowmen go to dance?
Snowballs!

How do snowmen travel around?
By iceicle!

What sort of ball doesn’t bounce?
A snowball!

What bird can write under the Arctic Ocean?
A ball-point pen-guin.

How do you know when there is a snowman in your bed ?
You wake up wet!

Why don’t the polar bears eat the penguins?
Because they can’t get the silver paper off!

What do you get if cross a snowman and a shark ?
Frost bite!

What bird gasps and pants at the North Pole?
A puffin.

How do you call an Eskimo cow?
An Eskimoo!

How do you get milk from a polar bear?
Rob its fridge and run like mad.

I’ll bet you can’t tell me where my mother comes from!
Alaska!
That’s cheating!

Imagine Tommy Cooper was still alive………

1. I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought.. he’s trying to
    pull a fast one.

2. I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov and there was a check
    tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

3. I went to the chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a
    red rose and said ” your eyes sparkle like diamonds” I said Waiter – I
    asked for a-ROMATIC duck.

4. So I was in Tesco’s and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a
    barcode. I said are you two an item?

5. A lorry load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I
    thought “that’s a turtle disaster”.

Although I like cats, I haven’t gotten around to including photos of them in my albums just yet.  (For cat lovers, there is a photo of me with one of my cats in the Christie’s Guitar Auction Catalog).   However, a few of my dogs have appeared in album artwork over the years.

My dog is included in photos in Derek & The Dominos’ Layla And Other Assorted Love Songs 20th Anniversary Edition.
A photo of Jeep graces the cover of There’s One In Every Crowd. Jeep even made it into a tour book from that era.
Sock, Billy, and Treacle are on the From The Cradle CD (as well in as the accompanying booklet).

Knock,knock
Who’s there?
You
You who?
Did you give me a call?

One day the management at Batman Towers decided to change the theme tune.  Here was their only idea:

Batman!…
Running down the alleyway,
Lorry comes the other way,
Flatman!

Why did the mechanic sleep under the car?
He wanted to get up oily in the morning.

Why did the robber have a bath?
Because he wanted a clean getaway.

Where do Generals keep their armies?
Up their sleevies.

I don’t believe a word of it – I can’t ever remember forgetting anything.

So,if you don’t want to be called shellfish, click on that url that T/boo’s posted and donate a few quid.

Are you going to pay me to shut up, Boo?

When you stop believing in Santa Claus, you start getting clothes for Christmas.

 The 3 stages of man:
He believes in Santa Claus.
He doesn’t believe in Santa Claus.
He IS Santa Claus.

Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
A: You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the
      credit.

Q: Why did the snowman have a smile on his face?
A: Because the snowblower was coming down the block.

Q: Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
A: So he can ho-ho-ho.

Q: What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus?
A: Crisp Cringle.

Q: If Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus had a child, what would he be called?
A: A subordinate claus.

Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A: Frostbite.

Q: There’s an honest politician, a kind lawyer, and Santa Claus
      traveling in an elevator of a very posh hotel.  Just before the doors
      open, they all notice a $100 bill lying on the floor.  Which one picks
      it up??
A: Santa, of course — the other two don’t exist!

1st kid: How come you never hear anything about the 10th reindeer named “Olive” ?

2nd kid: Olive ?

1st kid: Yeah, you know, Olive the other reindeer, who used to laugh and call him names.

Well – some of them are funny

:2nd Month – 21st Day
Two cold and empty Earth days have passed and as yet we have found no signs of life.

:2nd Month – 22nd Day

Finally at 1600 hours today we have discovered a star, 20,000 light years from our current position.  We aim to explore for planets and possible life.  E.T.A – Two Earth days.

:2nd month – 24th Day
Unbelievable news!  We have just received a radio message from a planet orbiting the star we have now named ‘FORUM’.  As far as we can make out this planet goes by the name of ‘ToKHA – p – OWr’.  We are investigating.

:3rd Month – 2nd day
Eight days have past since my last entry.  So much to tell, where to start!  We have found life of such diversity never witnessed in one place before!  On beaming down to the planet surface we were immediately surrounded by a hideous race known to call themselves ‘MILTONS’.  Our first instinct was to draw weapons but we soon realised they were quite harmless, or so we thought.  Then it happened.  The first of many.  A bad joke. This seemed to be their primary weapon and we knew we had to escape.  We ran for our lives, heading for what looked to be a large city in the distance.  God willing we were able to shake off the ‘MILTONS’.  We never saw them again, however worse lie ahead of us!

‘TICKETTYBOO’S’ were our next encounter.  Our first call on entering the city being the local ‘bar’ for refreshment.  On entering we noticed a strange creature of likable temperament.  Darwin’s writings we had explored in command training came to mind as these creatures appear to have evolved to suit their surroundings perfectly.  One hand, usually the right, had become shaped to a glass vessel in which they carried copious amounts of a clear liquid they call ‘Jyn’.  I cannot recall seeing any TICKETTYBOO’S’ with a hand less than half full.

On standing at the bar we met what seemed like a very intelligent ‘PMJ’ as he liked to be called.  On further conversation he agreed to be our guide to the city.  Having had enough of the bar, (which incidentally was mostly occupied by ‘SANDRA’S', a very loud, talkative race of people, who I understand are unable to close their mouths), we headed for the door.  Unfortunately one of the ‘TICKETTYBOO’S’ was having trouble with a piece of hardware we can only compare to our computers.  Alas that was the last we saw of our guide.  Never the less we ventured outside.

Not two feet did we get when suddenly a mad rush of what I can only describe as dimwits rushed by wearing white, nothing but white screaming ‘Tottingham, Tottingham’.  We soon discovered on re-entering the bar that this race of people are quite timid, or so we thought.  That was until Bones offered to buy one a glass of Arsenal.  Somehow we escaped the fracas with our lives and headed for the Marshland on the outskirts of town.  I now have six men in sickbay after meeting ‘FROGMAN’S’.  A quite extra-ordinary creature half man half frog.  Unfortunately my men got quite attached to licking their backs, not a good idea as they are known to produce a mild, addictive hallucagenetic.  Fortunately for us help was at hand.  ’BAGPUSSES’.  Only Scotty could understand their drool as they lead us to safety.  This friendship between the two however seems to be on the wain as Scotty is now deeply upset that the finest malt whiskey he carries in his backpack seems to have disappeared

On entering the plains on the outskirts of the city there were, what I can only describe as, sirens.  ’FIREBIRDS’.  Such a sight I had never seen before!  Such beauty I had never witnessed before!!  Alas there was no time for acquaintances, we had to flee.

So here we are heading back to Earth.  All in all an exciting adventure, don’t you think Firebird?

WELL I HAD TO BRING ONE BACK FOR THE PURPOSE OF SCIENCE, DIDN’T I ??!  

Let’s face it — English is a crazy language.

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.  English muffins weren’t invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted.  But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham?  If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth beeth?  One goose, 2 geese.  So one moose, 2 meese?  One index, 2 indices?  Doesn’t it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb through annals of history but not a single annal?  If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn’t preacher praught?  If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?  If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.  In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?  Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?  Park on driveways and drive on parkways?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and wise guy are opposites?  How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike?  How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?

Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent?  Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love?  Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.  English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn’t a race at all).  That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.  And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it?

Wakey Waaaaakey

Hello Playmates
For your pleasure:

Aurthur’s Signature Tune

I Thank You

It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to have to paint it.

I made a stupid mistake last week.  Come to think of it, did you ever hear of someone making a clever mistake?

So I gave him a wave.  Actually, it was more of a half wave, because I only half know him.

What use is happiness?  It can’t buy you money.

If something’s neither here nor there, where the hell is it?

If it weren’t for marriage, husband and wives would have to fight with strangers.

It was a pretty posh place.  They were so used to fur coats that two bears strolled in and ordered lunch and nobody even noticed.

I drew a gun. He drew a gun.  I drew another gun.  Soon we were surrounded by lovely drawings of guns.

We’ve got stained glass windows in our house. It’s those damned pigeons.

The police stopped me when I was out in my car. They told me it was a spot check.  I admitted to two pimples and a boil.

I got up this morning. I like to get up in the morning; it gives me the rest of the day to myself.  I crossed the landing and went down stairs. Mind you, if there had been no stairs, I wouldn’t even have attempted it.

We were so poor;  the ultimate luxury in our house at the time was ashtrays without advertisements.  It was all the wolf could do to keep us away from his door. A luxury meal was prairie sandwiches – two slices of bread with wide-open spaces between them.

This friend of mine had a terrible upbringing.  When his mother lifted him up to feed him, his father rented the pram out.  Then when they came into money later, his mother hired a woman to push the pram – and he’s been pushed for money ever since.

I was in London the other day and this man came up to me and asked me if I knew the Battersea dog’s home.  I said that I didn’t know it had been away.

I don’t swim. I can swim.  I just don’t have much cause to do so in the normal run of things.

So there I was lying in the gutter.  A man stopped and asked “What’s the matter?  Did you fall over?”  So I said no.  I’ve a bar of toffee in my back pocket and I was just trying to
break it.”

It was raining cats and dogs and I fell in a poodle.

I was out walking the other evening.  This fellow accosted me, and asked if that was the moon up there in the sky.  I replied that I had no idea as I was a stranger there myself.

I was taking my dog out the other day and I met this chap who asked me where I was going.  The dog is foaming at the mouth, so I explained that I was on my way to the vet to have it put down.  He asked if it was mad, to which I replied that it wasn’t exactly pleased about it.

I went to the doctor and he told me I only had three minutes to live.  I immediately asked if there was anything he could do for me, to which he replied, that he could boil me an egg.

The Beauty of a Woman

The beauty of a woman,
Isn’t in the clothes she wears,
The figure that she carries,
Or the way she combs her hair.

The beauty of a woman
Must be seen from in her eyes,
Because that’s the doorway to her heart,
The place where love resides.

The beauty of a woman,
Isn’t in a facial mole,
But true beauty in a woman,
Is reflected by her soul.
It’s the caring that she cares to give
The passion that she shows.

And the beauty of a woman with passing years,
Only grows

The Morse Code
Here come dots

Desperation
A Rope Ends It

Mother-in-law
Woman Hitler

Slot Machines
Cash Lost In ‘Em

Dormitory
Dirty Room

Alec Guinness
Genuine Class

A Decimal Point
I’m a Dot in Place

The Public Art Galleries
Large Picture Halls, I Bet

Karl’s Page (External link)

Karl promises to keep this page on-line.  Thanks Karl.

It takes strength to be firm.
It takes courage to be gentle.

It takes strength to stand guard.
It takes courage to let down your guard.

It takes strength to conquer.
It takes courage to surrender.

It takes strength to be certain.
It takes courage to have doubt.

It takes strength to fit in.
It takes courage to stand out.

It takes strength to feel a friend’s pain.
It takes courage to feel your own pain.

It takes strength to hide your own pains.
It takes courage to show them.

It takes strength to endure abuse.
It takes courage to stop it.

It takes strength to stand alone.
It takes courage to lean on another.

It takes strength to love.
It takes courage to be loved.

It takes strength to survive.
It takes courage to live.

Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.

While he’s in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.

Leave him a note, explaining that you’ve gone away for the holidays.
Ask if he would mind watering your plants.

While he’s in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas.
Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.

Keep an angry bull in your living room.  If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!

Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say “We hate Christmas,” and “Go away Santa.”

Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.

While he’s in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it.  As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn’t have missed that last payment, and take off.

Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, “For The Tooth Fairy. ”  Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, “For Santa.”

Take everything out of your house as if it’s just been robbed.  When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, “Well, well.  They always return to the scene of the crime.”

Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.

While he’s in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.

Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa’s sure to see them.  Go outside, yell, “Ooh! Look! A deer! And he’s got a red nose!” and fire a gun.

Leave Santa a note, explaining that you’ve moved.  Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.

Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney.  Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you’re sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.

Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.

Paint “hoof-prints” all over your face and clothes.  While he’s in the house, go out on the roof.  When he comes back up, act like you’ve been “trampled.”  Threaten to sue.

Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.  Dress up like the Easter Bunny.  Wait for Santa to come and then say, “This neighborhood ain’t big enough for the both of us.”

What do you call a dinosaur that smashes everything in its path?
Tyrannosaurus wrecks.

What do you call a dinosaur that wears a cowboy hat and boots?
Tyrannosaurus Tex.

What do you call a country where everyone has to drive a red car?
A red carnation.

What do you call a country where everyone has to drive a pink car?
A pink car-nation.

What would the country be called if everyone in it lived in their cars?
An in-car-nation.

What do you get if you cross a mouse with a Triceratops?
Enormous holes in the base boards.

How can you tell if there is a dinosaur in bed with you?
By the `D’ on his pajamas.

How do you know if there is a Brachiosaurus in bed with you?
By the dinosnores.

Swig was late.  Dr Milton sipped the last of his Black Russian.  He would wait another five minutes.  He had better things to do with his time than sit in the Happy Hour bar waiting for some dodgy character who couldn’t read a watch.

Two more minutes passed, then the door opened and a scruffy looking man with untidy hair stumbled into the bar clutching a bottle of gin.  Dr. Milton recognised him at once from their previous meeting.  He raised a hand to draw his attention.

“Dr Milton?”

“Mr Swig.  You know you are over an hour late?”

“I’m sorry.”  The man had a surprisingly deep, mellifluous voice.  ”I was researching in the library and lost track of time.”  He took another swig of his gin.

“Sit down.  I’ll get us some drinks.”  Dr. Milton nodded at the serverboo, who promptly brought over two Black Russians.

The bar was busy, but not full, by any means.  Dr. Milton and Swig were sitting in an alcove at the back with thick drapes on three sides.  Privacy was advisable.

Dr. Milton took a sip of his Black Russian [incidentally - recipes for Black Russians and many other excellent cocktails may be found at www.virtual-tipple.co.uk] and looked at Swig.

“So, Mr. Swig, perhaps you’d like to explain your proposition, and how exactly it may be worth five million pounds to me.”

“Certainly.”  Swig looked uncomfortable, but eager to get down to business.  ”Three years ago I was trekking through the Peruvian jungle.  A friend had told me about the Inca trail, and I decided I must see it for myself.  The trail follows the ancient road that originally linked Cuzco and Machu Picchu, the mysterious ruined city of the Incas.”

The serverboo came over with fresh drinks and menus, announcing that the pre-Christmas special of Roast Turkey with brazil, cashew and chestnut stuffing was truly excellent.  Swig remained silent until she had left. He took a large gulp of his Black Russian, commented that it tasted just like the ones they make in his favourite bar, the Virtual Tipple and continued: “I followed the trail from Huayllabamba to Dead Woman Pass, and onward into the jungle.  And there it was, near an Inca ruin called Sayacmarca, that I was taken captive.”  Swig paused dramatically, but the effect was marred by the bar’s black Labrador suddenly growling at a cat passing outside the glass pane in the door.

Before Swig could continue, the serverboo was back at the table.  ”Are you gentlemen ready to order?”

Swig stood up suddenly.  ”I must make a call,” he said.  ”You order for me.”

Dr. Milton and Serverboo watched quizzically as Swig strode to the phone at the bar.

“We’ll have two of the specials, with your potato galette and baby vegetables.  And would you bring a bottle of the Chilean Cabernet Merlot ’96 please.”

When Swig returned, some ten minutes later he promptly resumed his story.  ”I was alone in the ruins as night fell.  Suddenly I was surrounded by six native tribesmen, naked apart from daubings on their faces and bodies.”  Dr. Milton looked around to make sure the serverboo wasn’t in earshot.  Swig continued “Their leader indicated that I should go with them, and I wasn’t going to argue; they had stone knives and axes which looked like they could do serious damage”.  Dr. Milton suppressed a sarcastic comment.

“We walked by moonlight for what seemed like hours.  I was keeping a mental note of our route until we eventually arrived at their village, deep in the jungle.

Just then a younger, quite attractive serverbooette arrived with their food.  Dr. Milton stopped to savour it.  Swig just piled in, filling his fork and shovelling the fine ingredients in his mouth.

“Anyway,” Swig said, through a mouthful of food, “I found out the tribe was called Araka.  They had no contact with civilisation and their elders had made the decision to capture one of these strangers that kept wandering through their territory.  They kept me prisoner in a hut which was guarded at all times.

Swig paused very briefly to shovel another fork full of food into his mouth, then continued:  ”I was fed on a diet of nuts and berries, I must have lost about forty pounds in weight.  But I survived, and after a while I began to take an interest in their customs and their religion.  Opposite my hut you see, was a much larger one, which I realised must have been their temple. Whatever was inside it, the tribesmen treated it with the deepest respect.

I found out the Araka worshiped a god called Manco Capac.  Now, I’d done a bit of reading, and knew that Manco Capac was the son of Inti, the Inca Sun God.  The ancient records mentioned a fabulous golden statue of Manco Capac, but it was believed to be lost forever.  Now, just possibly, I realised I may have stumbled upon it.”

Swig paused again, shovelling the final pieces of turkey, potato and stuffing into his mouth, his eyes remained fixed on Dr. Milton.  Dr. Milton noted with amusement that he didn’t recall seeing Mr Swig actually look at his food once during the meal.  Now Swig took his eyes off Dr. Milton to look for his glass, which he grabbed for, downing almost the whole glass in one loud slurp.  ”After a few months,” he continued, “I’d learned some of their language and knew the next day was the festival of Manco Capac.  I’d managed to bore a small hole in the wall of my hut, and through it I could see the temple door.”

“At sunrise the next day, I was awakened by low chanting.  I peered through the hole and saw that the temple door was open.  Then, with great ceremony a life-sized gold statue was brought out on a golden carriage.  It could only be the lost statue of Manco Capac.  I reckoned it must be worth at least a million pounds and since then I’ve discovered it’s easily worth ten times that.”

“I came up with my plan to escape.  Over the next few weeks I started saving some of the berries and put them in a pot with a little water to ferment.  One night I invited the guard in to have a drink with me.  It tasted revolting but he drank most of it, I was mainly pretending.”  Swig slurped down his third glass of Cabernet Merlot, then chased it with a swig of the gin he brought in with him.  ”The guard finished off the booze then belched and sank to the floor, where he promptly started snoring.”

“That was my chance.  I climbed over his body and headed out into the jungle.  I’d have taken the statue with me, but it was a bit heavy, like and speed was essential.  I found my way back to the main trail where I met up with a party of Germans who were walking back to Cuzco.”

“So that’s my story, Dr. Milton.  The lost statue of Manco Capac is out there, but only I know where it is.  It’s worth at least ten million and I’ll split it with you fifty-fifty.  All I need is one hundred thousand to assembly a small expedition.  Write me a cheque, and I’ll start tomorrow.”

Dr. Milton took a sip of his wine.  Mr Swig seemed genuine, and his story appeared plausible.  Of course, the thought of stealing the statue from the natives was unpalatable…but did they really have any more right to it than he did?  His mind made up, Dr. Milton reached for his jacket pocket.

Suddenly, Swig started to cough.  He put a hand to his throat and his eyes bulged.  Dr. Milton watched as Swig’s face began to swell.

“Serverboo!”  Dr. Milton shouted.  ”Phone for an ambulance, quick!”

The ambulance arrived within five minutes and the paramedic administered adrenalin.  Swig was rushed to hospital.  The swelling had already started to go down and it appeared that he would survive.

Dr. Milton wrote out a cheque for the meal, including a large tip for the serverboo.

He had decided not to fund the expedition after all, on the grounds that Swig was a liar and a con man. – How did he know?   (That’s right, after all that, it is just another riddle).

Don’t cheat too soon but the answer is here

zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba

Xmas Party Tunes

www.surfincats-oldies.com/
www.surfincats-oldies.com/christmas2/christmas2.html

Any requests?

~~Linda~~’s Request:
The platypus waltz?
~~Linda~~ has a thing about platypus.  If anyone finds a link to this, or a similar tune please let me know

Boo’s response: Yes!!!  me me me !!  I have loads!!
Can we start with “I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus”?

www.surfincats-oldies.com/jimmyboyd-isawmommykissingsantaclaus.wav
www.surfincats-oldies.com/homerandjethro-mommykissingsantaclaus.wav
www.surfincats-oldies.com/ronettes-isawmommykissingsantaclaus.wav

Twinkle twinkle little star,
Boo-ette#1 is at the bar.
Linda and Swig are in there too
(Pmj is in the loo).

Parsnip popped ’round just for one,
I notice all the vodka’s gone.
Tickettyboo and Milton are dancing,
Sandra and Grinch can’t keep from laughing!!

Froggie and Troy,
Just look at them.
How long ’til they’ll be sober again?

Arthur let us in on the world of Stanley Holloway through a link that is now broken.  Here’s an alternative I’ve found on You Tube (You Tube is a new fangled thing that wasn’t around in 2001).

Introducing Stanley

I Thank You

Once upon a time, in the Christmas Tree Forest there lived the Christmas fairies.  They spent most of their time practising sitting on top of the Christmas trees.  There was just one rule they had to stick to… it was strictly forbidden for a fairy to kiss anyone!

The trouble was that Floella was a wicked little fairy.

One day Harry the Hare was hopping through the forest when he saw Floella sitting on top of a toadstool, combing her hair.  Floella said, ‘Hello, handsome, give us a kiss!’

Harry the Hare was shocked. ‘Father Christmas doesn’t allow it!’ he gasped.  ’Anyone caught kissing a fairy will be turned straight away into Goon!’

But Floella tickled his ears – just the way hares love and whispered, ‘Don’t worry, we won’t get caught!’

Harry the Hare trembled with fear and excitement.  He looked carefully over his furry brown shoulder, saw that no-one was looking… and kissed Floella the fairy!

Suddenly there was a FLASH, a CRASH and a mighty WHOOSH!!! of wind.  Through the magic of the Christmas Tree Forest Harry the Hare found himself in the court of Father Christmas!

And Father Christmas was furious!  ’Harry the Hare!  You have been found guilty of kissing a forest fairy!  Have you anything to say?’

‘I never meant to!’  Harry the Hare snivelled.  ’If you let me off I promise I’ll never do it again… just please, please!!! PLEASE!!! don’t turn me into a Goon!’

Father Christmas took pity on the pathetic creature and said, ‘I’ll give you one more chance…just one more!’

Suddenly there was a FLASH, a CRASH and a mighty WHOOSH!! of wind. Harry the Hare found himself back in the forest.  And there, combing her hair on a toadstool was Floella the Fairy.

‘Hiya, handsome,’ she whispered.  ’Give us a kiss!’

Harry the Hare was horrified! Certainly not!’ he cried. But when she tickled his ears his legs turned to jelly and he started to tremble.  ’Oooh! No! I’ll be turned into a Goon!  ’For one little kiss from me it’s worth it!’ Floella murmured. And Harry the Hare gave in. He kissed the fairy.

Suddenly there was a FLASH, a CRASH and a mighty WHOOSH!!! of wind.  Once again Harry the Hare found himself in front of the furious Father Christmas!

‘You foolish hare!’ Father Christmas roared.  ’You have had your chance!  Guards! Take him away – turn him into a Goon tomorrow!’

Harry the Hare hung his head and let himself be led away.  As he reached the door of the court he turned to all the gnomes and forest creatures and said tearfully…
‘Ah, well, that’s life! Hare today…and Goon tomorrow!’

Arthur posted some links to Wav files. (External link)

Arthur’s Waves

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
Your data is corrupted ‘cos the index doesn’t hash,
Then your situation’s hopeless and your system’s gonna crash!

Here’s one of my fave nursery rhymes ….

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall,
All the King’s horses and all the King’s men
Had scrambled egg for breakfast!

Well in a tribute to Swig’s web page and the Eagles song ‘Deperado’, here is my final climb onto the stage.
Thank you………

Ian Christie, we ask have you lost your senses?
You been out finding funnies for so long now
Oh, you’re a daft one
I know that you got your cop-outs
Those girls who are teasin’ you
Can’t hurt you I know

Don’t you ask the Silver Surfers, boy
They’ll stump you if they’re able
You know that Happy Hour is always your best bet

Now it seems to me, some fine jokes
Have been posted to your outlook
But you only want the ones that we can’t get

Ian Christie, oh, you ain’t gettin’ no younger
Your wit and your humour, they’re drivin’ us mad
And web sites, oh web sites well, that’s just a Swig chappy talkin’
Your site is just floating through e-space all alone

Don’t your sides just ache in the evenin’ time?
The jokes they come and the fun does shine
It’s hard to tell the good ones from the bad
You’re loosin’ all your sleep and zeal
Ain’t it funny how the outside think your mad?

Ian Christie, why don’t you come to your senses?
Come out from your trenches, open the site
It may be silent, but there is laughter around you
You better let somebody see it, before it’s too late.

Sandra’s day job

Sandra’s link original link is now broken but I’m 99% sure this was it.

Scintillate, scintillate globule vivivic
Fain would I fathom thy nature specific.
Loftily poised in the ether capacious
Closely resembling a gem carbinatious

So here goes….

<cough>

Whilst shepherds washed their socks by night
All watching ITV
The angel of the Lord came down
And switched to BBC

Jingle bells
Linda smells
Ticketty is peed (nowt new there) <g>
Flying Nun’s hanging from the tree
Been on the evil weed…..

Hey!!!

…I waS WANdering down a country lane when I came across this little pub, carol singers were collecting for good causes, inside I could her someone singing SWANee river and I thought this must be the SS tavern.

Inside the chairs had lovely SWANdown cushions and there was a cheery oldie atmosphere, so I settled down to enjoy a tipple

Suddenly………

I heard shouting     ‘Wake up’     ‘Wake up’

It was Tina telling me to get a round in.
I had dosed off in HH Inn

(Just a quick call as promised TB
Sorry no tutu)

Jingle bells
Linda smells
Ticketty is peed (nowt new there) <g>
Flying Nun’s hanging from the tree
Been on the evil weed…..

Hey!!!

You have to try on a pair of sunglasses with that stupid little plastic thing in the middle of them.

The person behind you in the supermarket runs his cart into the back of your ankle.

The elevator stops on every floor and nobody gets on.

There’s always a car riding your tail when you’re slowing down to find an address.

You open a can of soup and the lid falls in.

It’s bad enough that you step in dog poop, but you don’t realise it till you walk across your living room rug.

The tiny red string on the Band-Aid wrapper never works for you.

There’s a dog in the neighbourhood that barks at EVERYTHING.

You can never put anything back in a box the way it came.

Three hours and three meetings after lunch you look in the mirror and discover a piece of parsley stuck to your front tooth.

You drink from a soda can into which someone has extinguished a cigarette.

You slice your tongue licking an envelope.

Your tire gauge lets out half the air while you’re trying to get a reading.

A station comes in brilliantly when you’re standing near the radio but buzzes, drifts and spits every time you move away.

Oi!!!! Snip!!!
We can’t have a party without a limerick game!!!
That just isn’t right
Who is gonna start?

The limerick game: Someone posts the first line and turns are taken to complete the limerick.  It gets confusing but it’s great fun.  Boo and Parsnip are the experts, but as you can see, others have hidden talents.

And to finish this game Swig gave us:

There once was a man called Larry
who went out with a lamb called Barry
on one knee he did bend
a proposal did send
and now they are planning to marry

One Sunday a cowboy went to church.  When he entered, he saw that he and the preacher were the only ones present.

The preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead and preach.

The cowboy said, “I’m not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I’d feed him.”

So the minister began his sermon.  One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours.  The preacher finally finished and came down to ask the cowboy how he liked the sermon.

The cowboy answered slowly, “Well, I’m not very smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I sure wouldn’t feed him all the hay.”

Magic Dust

After church, Johnny tells his parents he has to go and talk to the minister right away.  They agree, and the pastor greets the family.

“Pastor,” Johnny says, “I heard you say today that our bodies came from the dust.”

“That’s right, Johnny, I did,” he says.

“And I heard you say that when we die, our bodies go back to dust.”

“Yes, I’m glad you were listening,” the pastor replies.  ”Why do you ask?”

“Well you better come over to our house right away and look under my bed ’cause there’s someone either comin’ or goin’!”

One afternoon a little boy was playing outdoors.  He used his mother’s broom as a horse and had a wonderful time until it was getting dark.

He left the broom on the back porch.  His mother was cleaning up the kitchen when she realised that her broom was missing.  She asked her son about the broom and he told her that he had left if outside.

She then asked him to please go get it.

The little boy informed his mom that he was afraid of the dark and didn’t want to go out to get the broom.

His mother smiled and said ‘The Lord is out there too, don’t be afraid’.

So the little boy obliges his mom, opens the back door and yells, “Lord?  My mom said you’re out here, so how ’bout handing me that broom”?

Weight Loss Plan

An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice.

The doctor advised that she run 10 miles a day for 30 days.  This, he promised, would help her lose as much as twenty pounds.

The blonde follows the doctor’s advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she’d indeed lost twenty pounds.

She phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results.  At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question:

“How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?”

Usual Suspects

The following is a quote from a director of sports information in the Navy, regarding the theft of some mascots from the Naval Academy by Army rivals:

“We knew Army cadets were involved because they cut through two fences to get to the goats, and 15 feet away there was an unlocked gate.”

Ok Boo…just for you
 

Only 30% of us can flare our nostrils.

21% of us don’t make our bed daily.  5% of us never do.

Men do 29% of laundry each week.  Only 7% of women trust their husbands to do it correctly. 3 out of 4 of us store our dollar bills in rigid order with singles leading up to higher denominations.

91% of us lie regularly.

27% admit to cheating on a test or quiz.

50% admit they regularly sneak food into movie theatres to avoid the high prices of snack foods.

10% believe in the Ten Commandments.

82% believe in an afterlife.

45% believe in ghosts.

13% (mostly men) have spent a night in jail.

58.4% have called into work sick when they weren’t.

When nobody else is around, 47% drink straight from the carton.

Personal Business

A businessman who needed millions of dollars to clinch an important deal went to church to pray for the money.  By chance he knelt next to a man who was praying for $100 to pay an urgent debt.

The businessman took out his wallet and pressed $100 into the other man’s hand.  Overjoyed, the man thanked him, got up and left the church, praising God.  The businessman watched as the man left and the door behind him completely closed, then bowed his head and prayed, “And now, Lord, that I have your undivided attention…”

At a catholic gathering, Mother superior stacked a pile of apples on one end of a table with a sign saying, “Take only one apple please – God is watching.”

On the other end of the table was a pile of cookies which a student had placed a sign on saying, “Take all the cookies you want – God is watching the apples.”

The Dog’s Dictionary

LEASH:  A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go.

DOG BED:  Any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.

DROOL:  What to do when your persons have food and you don’t.  To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor or, better yet, on their laps.

SNIFF:  A social custom to use when you greet other dogs.  Place your nose as close as you can to the other dog’s rear end and inhale deeply.  Repeat several times, or until your person makes you stop.

RUBBISH BIN:  A container which your neighbours put out once a week to test your ingenuity.  You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose.  If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and mouldy crusts of bread.

BICYCLES:  Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat.  To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.

DEAFNESS:  A malady which affects a dog when its person wants it in and the dog wants to stay out.  Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.

THUNDER:  A signal that the world is coming to an end.  Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels.

WASTEBASKET:  A dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrappers.  When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the house until your person comes home.

SOFAS:  Are to dogs like napkins are to people.  After eating it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean.

BATH:  A process by which the humans drench the floor, walls and themselves.  You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.

LEAN:  Every good dog’s response to the command “sit!”  – especially if your person is dressed for an evening out.  Incredibly effective before black-tie events.

BUMP:  The best way to get your human’s attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.

GOOSE BUMP:  A last-resort manoeuvre used when the Regular Bump doesn’t get the attention you require.  Especially effective when combined with The Sniff (see above).

LOVE:  A feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction.  To show your love, wag your tail and gaze adoringly. If you’re lucky, a human will love you in return.

Actual answers given by contestants on the game show “The Family Feud”, the American version of Family fortunes..

- Name something that floats in the bath – Water

- Name something a blind person might use – A sword

- Name a song with “moon” in the title – Blue Suede Moon

- Something associated with the police – Pigs

- Something you do before going to bed – Sleep

- Name a famous bridge – The bridge over troubled waters

- A sign of the zodiac – April

- Something slippery – A con man

- A part of the body beginning with the letter ‘N’ – Knee

- Something you do in the bathroom – Decorate

No verse ventures out of this depression.
No poem penetrates my literary recession.
No words walk purposefully into my brain:
Oh, how I wish I could write again.

No capacity to compose: therefore
No prospect of private peace any more.
No release from the melancholy mood.
No ability to do aught but brood.

No strength: only wearisome weakness.
No power persists to battle the bleakness.
No solace in store, only sorrow.
No joy. No hope. No tomorrow.

© jammyface 1995

 
]]> http://1happyvalley.wordpress.com/2001/12/16/parsnip-2202/feed/ 0 Milton http://1happyvalley.wordpress.com/2001/12/16/parsnip-2050/ http://1happyvalley.wordpress.com/2001/12/16/parsnip-2050/#comments Sun, 16 Dec 2001 00:09:48 +0000 Milton http://1happyvalley.wordpress.com/?p=56 ]]> fa la laaaa

Tis the season to be jolly,
fa la la la laaaaa l la la la.
Boo sat on a bunch of holly,
fa la la ha ha l la aahhhhhhh.
Linda’s tiddled, Boo-ette giggled,
fa la la la la la laaaa laaa laaa.
Wheel me off upon my trolly,
Fa la la la la l la la laaaaa.

When I am an old woman I shall wear purple
With a red hat that doesn’t go and doesn’t suit me.
And I shall spend my pension on brandy and summer gloves
And satin sandals and say we’ve no money for butter.
I shall sit down on the pavement when I’m tired
And gobble up samples in shops and press alarm bells
And run my stick along the public railings
And make up for the sobriety of my youth.
I shall go out in my slippers in the rain
And pick flowers in other people’s gardens
And learn to spit
You can wear terrible shirts and grow more fat
And eat three pounds of sausages at a go
Or only eat bread and pickle for a week
And hoard pens and pencils and beermats and things in boxes.

But now we must have clothes that keep us dry
And pay our rent and not swear in the street
And set a good example for the children.
We must have friends to dinner and read the papers

But maybe I ought to practise a little now?
So people who know me are not too shocked and surprised
When suddenly I am old and start to wear purple.

Silent night
Not tonight
Peee m jay, gives away
Url’s..no more..I pray
My favrits folder
I find today
Bursting at the seeeeeeeeeeeeeems
Giving me horrific dreams…

I have good days, bad days,
Sane days and mad days.
There are heaven days, hell days
And coping sort-of-well days.
There are wet days, dry days
And “God I need to cry” days.
Then I have the dread days:
The “I will stay in bed” days.
Also the days I smell success
And see my way out of this mess.
Those days when I look and feel great
And those days thunderous with hate.
These are my days, some full of strife,
Some full of hope, this is my life.
But there is this: they tell me it’s true:
That it is very much the same for you.

©jammyface

There was a young rabbi called Keith
Who circumcised men with his teeth
It wasn’t for the leisure of sexual pleasure
But to get at the cheese underneath

Jingle bell, jingle bell, Swig in a frock,
Jingle bells swing and jingle bells ring
Milton and FN are having some fun
Now the HH rock has begun

Jingle bell, jingle bell, Boo’s lost a sock
‘Snip is singing, Cliff Richard, don’t mock!
Dancin’ and prancin’, you’d better beware..
In the frosty air.

Quartermaster’s Store

There were ants, ants in little tartan pants in the store, in the store.  There were ants, ants in little tartan pants in the quartermaster’s store.
Chorus:

My eyes are dim, I cannot see,
I have not brought my specs with me,
I – have – not – brought – my – specs – with – me.

Boo
There were snakes, snakes, snakes big as garden rakes, at the store! At the store!  There were snakes, snakes, snakes, big as garden rakes, at the Quartermaster’s store
(Chorus)

Boo
There were foxes, foxes, stuffed in little boxes in the store, in the store. There were foxes, foxes, stuffed in little boxes in the quartermaster’s store.
(Chorus)

Milton
There were turtles, turtles wearing rubber girdles in the store, in the store. There were turtles, turtles wearing rubber girdles in the quartermaster’s store.
(Chorus)

 ~~Linda~~
There were baboons, baboons, blowing up balloons in the store, in the store.  There were baboons, baboons, blowing up balloons in the quartermaster’s store.
(Chorus)
  
Swig
There was Swig ,Swig, playin’ with a twig in the store, in the store.  There was Swig ,Swig, playin’ with a twig in the quartermaster’s store.
(Chorus)

Milton
There was Anita, Anita and we tried to feed-’er in the store, in the store. There was Anita, Anita and we tried to feed-’er in the quartermaster’s store.
(Chorus)

Boo
There was Linda, Linda, wobbling in the window in the store, in the store. There was Linda, Linda, wobbling in the window in the quartermaster’s store.
(Chorus)

~~Linda~~
There was Boo, Boo, making turkey stew in the store, in the store. There was Boo, Boo, making turkey stew in the quartermaster’s store.
(Chorus)

Parsnip
There were balls, balls hanging from the walls in the store, in the store.  There were balls, balls hanging from the walls in the quartermaster’s store
(Chorus)

Milton
There were kippers, kippers in little furry slippers in the store, in the store. There were kippers, kippers in little furry slippers in the quartermaster’s store.
(Chorus)

~~Linda~~
There was Milton, Milton, scoffing sarnies at the Hilton, in the store, in the store. There was Milton, Milton, scoffing sarnies at the Hilton, in the quartermaster’s store.
(Chorus)
  
Anita
There was Milton, Milton, mixed up with the Stilton in the store, in the store.  There was Milton, Milton, mixed up with the StiltonIn the quartermaster’s store
(Chorus)

Boo
There was Snip, Snip, brandishing a whip ( again!)  in the store, in the store.  There was Snip, Snip, brandishing a whipIn the quartermaster’s store
(Chorus)

I’m bringing home a baby bumble bee,
Won’t my Mommy be surprised at me
I’m bringing home a baby bumble bee
Ooo-Eee, it stung me.

I’m squishing up my baby bumble bee,
Won’t my Mommy be so proud of me.
I’m squishing up my baby bumble bee,
Ooo – Eee, blood on me.

I’m licking up my baby bumble bee,
Won’t my Mommy be so proud of me.
I’m licking up my baby bumble bee,
Ooo-Eee, needs salt!

Boo:
yuk! I feel sick!!

I’m sicking up my baby bumble bee
Won’t my Mommy be so proud of me.
I’m sicking up my baby bumble bee,
Ooo-Eee, what a mess!

Tr@cie:
Tr@cie posted this after midnight, but as Tr@cie missed the concert I thought we should have at least one Tr@cie treat!
I’m sweeping up the baby bumble bee
I’m sweeping up the baby bumble bee
Won’t my mummy be surprised with me.
Ouch! I got a smack!

I’m going to my bed and I’ve lost my tea
I’m going to my bed and I’ve lost my tea
I’m going to my bed and I’ve lost my tea
My mummy wasn’t surprised with me.!

As the clock struck midnight the Concert came to and end with thunderous applause.